Today was the most productive day ever. I caught up on a TON of things that I thought that I’d never have the time to finish before Friday. I graded an enormous stack of papers, put a ton of grades into the computer gradebook, made most of my copies for the rest of the week, had 2 meetings, and left work early. I didn’t have any tutoring sessions booked for tonight, so I was home at 4:30, worked out, showered, and have time to indulge in guilty-pleasure tv? AWESOME. I also only have 2 more chapters to finish of my book – which I still have time to do before bed. YAY!!! Not bad for a day when I totally overslept and didn’t work out this morning. My lunch for tomorrow is even made, saving me an extra 10 minutes tomorrow morning….
So I’m currently watching the Voice – mostly because I like to hear pretty singing – and also because I’m trying to figure out why Cee Lo has midget arms. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be famous – but mostly I just wonder what it would feel like to be REALLY talented at something. Just gifted – really really awesome at SOMETHING. I feel like I’m mediocre at a lot of things. I’ve been OK at a lot of stuff over the years – piano, clarinet, ballet, speaking french – but when it comes down to being really GREAT at something – I really don’t have that thing. Maybe I’m still looking for it, maybe it doesn’t exist. I do know that I constantly feel like I’m falling just a bit short on things. This year has been especially hard on me for that. I had this really great job interview this year – got turned down in the final 2 people. Then I was nominated for this teaching award with a big monetary prize – fell short in the last 30 finalists. Was nominated for another teaching award – fell short again. I have NO IDEA why I am so disappointed by these shortfalls either. I mean it was the first 2 times in 9 years that I’ve ever been nominated for anything like that at all. I never expected to win – but the closer that you get to the final group of something, its harder and harder not to get your hopes up. I do try to stay positive about things – which no one ever believes because I have a reputation as being a pessimist (being realistic does NOT mean that you expect bad things – it means you mentally prepare for both positive and negative consequences. Nothing irks me more than people calling me negative). But its hard to maintain positivity when you’ve had a pretty disappointing year.
I’m thinking of trying to do something that’s just for myself this summer. I don’t know what yet – maybe french or ballet class – maybe something totally new and different like kung fu – which my chiropractor often suggests to me. Of course it does all come down to time and money. If I can find something at a convenient time & a reasonable price – something that isn’t too common in Chicago – I’ll sign up immediately. I feel like I need to spend time with other adults outside of the insanely busy and frustrating realm of education. I feel like over the years that my career has almost made it impossible for me to have friends. The people that I work with are like family to me – they’re awesome people – but I feel like I don’t have ‘friends’ anymore. I don’t have people to shop with or go to the movies with, or call when I’ve had a crappy day. I mean I guess I could post a ‘I need non-teacher friends/I’m not a crazy stalker/murderer’ ad on craigslist. But that usually results in creepy emails from old men looking for three-somes. Where do adults that have 2 jobs and 20 minutes a week to themselves meet friends? Is it worth making new friends if you don’t have time to invest in a real relationship with them? Quite frankly, I’m amazed that I can manage to talk to my boyfriend for more than 20 minutes a week. Considering how much attention he requires, I’m amazed that he hasn’t lost interest in watching me sleep in a deep coma all weekend. Thankfully the weather is finally getting a little bit better – so hopefully we can at least get outside now.
Oh well – back to vegging out and wondering about Cee Lo’s arms. They’re just so SHORT. How does he type?